Although I plan to continue in the activity, I feel the need to address the toxic environment and provide ways to fix this.
The debate space hasn't always been toxic for me, but a few months back I had been told that someone who shall not be named had been trash talking me since the beginning of the season. This person is someone I have confided in on many occasions, so I was not only shocked but I was angry. But this anger had brought another ill thing with it. Anxiety.
The news spiraled my life out of control and I was constantly paranoid and anxious when near the debate community. Of course, having my luck, there was more than one person who would often talk about me 'behind my back.' There were three, and they had an entire group chat dedicated to talking ill of everyone single one of my failures.
This year was supposed to be my best year. I was supposed to prove everyone wrong. I was supposed to qualify for the Tournament of Champions, but three people ruined this for me. My work ethic diminished and rather than enjoying the activity I found it as a chore, a burden, something that would soon be over.
My previous love for the activity was weakened and I found myself wanting to quit on several occasions, but I couldn't. I have spent too much time and money on the activity to let three people ruin it for me.
I wasn't going to let my anxiety ruin my life.
Depression and anxiety disorders are reoccurring illnesses in my family, both on my mom's and my dad's side. So, it didn't come to that much of a surprise to me when I had began feeling the constant paranoia and the need to cry every hour of the day because someone was talking about me. I felt worthless at times and these were the days I looked the happiest.
Makeup and sleep hid the anxiety, but my extreme enthusiasm was a bad disguise because even my most distant of friends could tell that something was wrong.
The debate space has been toxic since it's existence, but I've never experienced the toxicity until this season
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